a good sport

There were three young men sitting in the front row of the concert hall last night. They, and most of the audience, were obviously in attendance because their Music Appreciation professor had required it.

These young men started poking each other, whispering, and giggling almost immediately during the first song. At first I thought they might be enjoying the accordion, which is not something one usually sees. Then I thought maybe they found someone in the choir amusing.

However, their behavior continued throughout all five pieces. My eyes kept being drawn back to them, but I had to pull myself away because their laughing was starting to get contagious. The last thing I needed to do was start laughing in the middle of a song.

I have no idea what their issue was, but I have to say I'm glad they were enjoying something about the concert. The rest of the audience I'm not so sure about.

little house

I was in line at the co-op when the seven-year-old girl in front of me started chatting with me.

"What's your name?" she eventually asked. When I responded, she got an excited look on her face and followed up with, "Are you named after Laura Ingalls Wilder?"

I was tempted to say yes, because that would probably make her day. Instead I told her, "No, but I read all of her books and I loved them!"

She explained to me that she's watching all of the movies, but some day she'll read all the books. And she's sure that the books will be better, because the books are always better than the movies. "There's so much more content in the books that they don't have time to put in the movies," she told me with the certainty of someone who's read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies in her life.

I told her that I agree, and she should definitely read all the Laura Ingalls Wilder books soon, so she can find out all the exciting things they didn't put in the movies.

And then I reminisced about my kindergarten days when I wore my hair in braided pigtails and carried a bookbag with my name and some strawberries stenciled on it. A third grader on the bus used his powers of compilation to give me the nickname Laura Ingalls Strawberry. Luckily, it was a little too long to stick.

another no-no

Don't ever accuse your cashier of putting her hand in your bulk bag of wheat germ.

If you had clearly labeled your bulk item, she wouldn't have had to untie the twist tie to search for the hidden number. Did she then stick her hand in, grab some of the food, and taste it to find out what it was? Um, no. That would be ridiculous.

So don't ask her if she did. You might be sorry.*


* This should in no way imply that I or any cashier at my workplace actually punish customers for their ridiculousness. Just don't expect a smile next time...

in on the action

Now that I have a job, I have the opportunity to meet lots of interesting people and hear their crazy stories. And after one week, I already have a couple good ones. Unfortunately for you, I am not silly enough to publish them on the internet. People get fired for that.

But I can point you to a story from my work that was published in the newspaper. I am not allowed to comment, but I can say that I was there when it happened.

for the birds

I was riding my bike home from the post office yesterday, when I approached a group of three guys standing on the sidewalk. They were each wearing a shoe on one foot, and a sock on the other. As I passed, one of them began climbing a tree in the yard. I looked up, and stuck in the branches were a football and three sneakers.

making lemonade

Teenager on bicycle (almost crashing in an attempt to perform a trick) to his friend:

"Dude, I just ripped a hole in my pants...well, I guess it should be easier to pee now."

the legal system at work

I had a job today, and it was awesome. I was part of a "focus group," and by "focus group" I mean that I was a pretend juror for an upcoming real trial. I can't tell you about it, but I can tell you that I was one of the two people that disagreed with the majority, and that it is very, very difficult to change the mind of a very opinionated crowd. I very much respect people who have jobs convincing opinionated people there is another option.

And to top it off, when I got home at 3pm, there was a cop car in front of my house. Three drunken college students were sitting on the couch my neighbors had abandoned on the sidewalk. Their car was parked nearby. When I came up, I heard,

"Dude, you're lucky you have such a nice cop!"

And then the cop said, "Please come over here so I can administer the PBT." (Preliminary Breath Test)

To which the young man responded, "Point four nine - no problem!"

The cop replied, "You'd better hope for a point oh four nine."

riding the rails

The passengers behind me on the train are long distance truck drivers. They're swapping stories of their years on the road. I stopped reading my book two hours ago to listen to tales of wide loads, state police, warehouse employees, and chasing the sun across the country.

-Driver 1 carried an old WW2 airplane from Illinois to the east coast. Every time he stopped for the night, locals driving by would gather to look at the plane. He met many a veteran and heard many a war story on that trip.

-Driver 2 once fell asleep while waiting for a train to pass. He had put the emergency brake on, rested his head on his arm, and the next thing he knew, someone was radioing "Hey there, truck, you okay?" He looked up and realized the train was long gone.

-Driver 1 was running late at night and there was no one on the road. A train came up running along the side of the road. He was lonely, so Driver 1 radioed out "Hello, train!" Unexpectedly, he got a reply, "Hello, truck!"

-Driver 2 and another driver were carrying two wide loads across the country, from east to west. Wide loads are only allowed on the roads from dawn til dusk, so all day they were chasing the sun trying to stay on the road as long as possible. They crossed into Nevada with the sun hovering on the horizon. Driver 1 radios over to his friend, "If we hurry it up, maybe we can make it to Reno by sunset!" His friend agrees to push it. Just then, a state trooper comes on the radio saying, "I doubt you'll be doing that, boys." He escorted them to the nearest truck stop and told them, "I'll be out here all night. Don't you try sneaking away!"

-Driver 1 and another driver were taking a couple of large, empty tanks out to a new military napalm testing facility. While the officers were unloading the tanks, there was a loud clap of thunder and it started to look like a storm was brewing. The facility was at the bottom of a mountain, beside a gully. The drivers suggested to the officers that they should fill up the resting tanks with water to weigh them down in the impending storm. The officers replied it was a waste of time and water to weigh down such heavy tanks. The drivers went to eat. Pretty soon the storm started, followed by a flash flood. As they were finishing dinner, an officer came in. Driver 1 asked, "How's it going?" The officer replied, "Not so good. Those tanks got washed down the gully and are now floating half a mile down the stream."

spelling lesson

After spending the day translating, I went to wait in the school office for the principal. Also in the office was a fourth grade girl who was sobbing uncontrollably. I assumed she had gotten in trouble somehow and wasn't taking it very well; she squirmed her way from her chair, to the floor, up against the wall, and over the door where she declared "I want to go home!"

About that time, her mother came into the office. "What happened?" she asked.
"On the bus, they threw an orange at me and called me a fagit. F-A-G-I-T," replied the daughter.
"Do you mean F-A-G-G-O-T?" asked her mother.
"Yeah. That. So I threw the orange back. And the bus driver made me get off the bus."
"Well, I'm sure the principal will do something about it. Let's go home."

I was very glad to see that parents are still emphasizing the importance of correct spelling.

awkward is...

...when you're talking about "that time of the month" with your female co-worker behind the information desk and an old man walks up just as you're saying something about the absorbency of certain feminine hygiene products.

someone for everyone

Today I helped a patron sign up for an online dating service for farmers and lovers-of-farmers. She had seen an ad for it on tv. It probably came on between commercials for Blain's Farm and Fleet and Red Wing Shoes, but how could I have possibly missed it?

entertainment in a boring workplace

I don't know how it's possible, but in the span of three hours I saw:

- a guy walk by with toilet paper sticking out of his pants.
- a guy walk by with the "size L" sticker still attached to his jeans.
- a woman walk by with her fly unzipped.
- AND a guy trip and fall over his own feet while running from the library so he could answer his cell phone.

word on the street

I was sitting on a bench by the School of Law when three high school guys showed up and started skateboarding down the steps. After hitting the loose brick and crashing a few times, they took a break. Some college students came by and handed them info on how to register to vote. When they left, the guys started talking about the candidates.

Tall guy: "I don't want to vote for Clinton. I'll vote for that other guy. What's his name? Oh, yeah. Obama. I hear that when he gets elected, he's gonna legalize marijuana."
Short guy: "No way. Really?"
Tall guy: "Yeah, Seven-Eleven's gonna be selling J's."
Guy with sprained ankle: "Sweet. I'm gonna vote for him."

Spiderman's biggest fan

I was changing in the bathroom when a mother and her young son come in. Most of their potty time conversation comes to me in mumbles, but a few remarks were loud enough for me to hear.

Son to Mother: "Why isn't Spiderman on your underwear?"

A minute later,

Mother to Son: "Are you wearing two pair of Spiderman underwear?"